Changes...

I'm going thru changes.
I see my beautiful boys growing, and changing. They've come sooo far since my Mom has come to join us.
Resolutions:
1) Diagnosis for Corban.
2) Work my way into home made foods.
3) Keep myself busy, and work hard on my home on a daily basis.
4) Potty Training for BOTH boys.
5) Doing whatever I can to enchourage talking from my boys.
6) Make the time for the gym. That means volenteer work, and actually working out.
7) Accepting Physical Therepy for myself.
8) Move us. Do my best to land in our new town with $1000.00 or more in our pockets.
9) Accept the idea of baby #3, and try to quit smoking in preparation for it.
10) Last, but not least, WRITE DOWN things about my boys, their daily life, behavior, and goals met, as well as just writing for myself.

Those are my resolutions.
My children are soo precious to me, and I'm afriad of making the wrong choice, but I can't help but to use my insinct with them. I have come to see that going by insinct has been amazing for me and them. I'm soo very glad we made the choice to have Mom with us. Havenig that extra adult has made life incredibly easy in comparison to what it was. I'd do it all again. I have no regrets, and wouldn't change a thing. My choices have made me who I am, and how my family is, and I LOVE my life.
Can I wish that Corban didn't have struggles? Maybe. But these struggles are going to help him become the MAN he will be some day, and the life he builds for his own family. Not only will it help mold Corban, but Caleb as well. The life they have now as children are going to help them be the adults they will be.
Happy New Year all, even tho it's late.

Recipes

These 2 recipes have been requested from me MANY times. Enjoy!

Sweet Dough:
1 cup sugar
1 teaspoon salt
3 packages active dry yeast
8-9 cups flour
2 cups milk
1 cup butter
2 eggs

steps:
1) In large bowl, combine sugar, salt, yeast and 2 cups flour. In 2 quart sauce pan over low heat, slowly heat milk and butter until very warm (Butter does not need to melt). With mixer (I use wooden spoon, and mix manually) at low speed, gradually beat lquid into dry ingrediants. Increase speed to medium; beat 2 minutes more, occasionally scraping bowl with rubber spatula.
2) Beat in egss and 2 cups flour; continue beating 2 minutes, occasionally scraping bowl.
3) With spoon, stir in enough additional flour (about 4 1/4 cups) to make a soft dough.
4) Turn dough onto lightly floured surface; knead until smooth and elastic, about 10 minutes. Shape into a ball.
5) Turn over in greased large bowl to grease top. Cover; let rise in warm place until dough is double, about 1 hour.
6) Punch down dough. On lightly floured surface, devide into pieces as recipes direct. Cover; let rest 15 minutes.

Cinnamon Rolls:
Dark brown sugar
White sugar
Siagon Cinnamon
Butter

I devide 1 batch of dough into 2 pieces for easier rolling.Roll out dough to be about 1/4 inch or so thick. Depends on how you like your rolls. Coat thick layer of soft butter, evenly sprinkle dark brown sugar, then white, and then cinnamon. Roll tightly, pinching the seam. Cut into 1 inch slices, and place into WELL greased pan. Space evenly, and don't have rolls touch in pan. Allow to rise another 30 minutes or so in warm area. Bake in oven at 400 for approx. 25 minutes, or until golden brown.

Sugar Glaze:
2 cups powdered sugar
1/2 teaspoon vanilla (I like to use whole tablespoon)
3 tablespoons water
whip or stir in medium bowl until smooth. Drizzle on rolls while they are cooling. The hotter the rolls, the thinner the glaze will be.
If I'm making 4-6 batches, it takes me a good 4-6 hours or so as I can only make 2 batches at once with my bowls. WELL worth the time and energy.MERRY CHRISTMAS!!


Peanutbutter Cookies:
1 cup peanutbutter
1 cup sugar
1 egg

Mix well. Dough will be like soft grainy playdough.
I roll into balls, place on ungreased cookie sheet, and press a piece of chocolate in the middle.
Bake at 350 for around 8 or 9 minutes. YUMMY!

Yup

Honestly, I'm pissed. Bonnie told me that I would go thru the stages of grief, becuase of the loss I'm feeling. The loss of the hope and dreams I had for Corban, and not knowing what of them he'll be able to do.
I cry everyday. I want to seriously have a smoke. I want this to all be done with. I just want to know what he's got, and what do I have to do to help him cope with it better.
I hate hearing how "fine' it's all going to be. I already know that it's going to be fine. I already know that Corban is going to be alright. I've already accepted that he either has some form of Autism, or a similar disorder. Just because I've accepted it, doesn't mean that I can't still be mad as hell that he has to work soo hard to talk to me. My acceptance doesn't stop my heart from breaking when I watch him struggle. It's OKAY for me to be pissed off, and have a slightly broken heart.
I'm NOT depressed. I'm mad, and sad. I feel like I can't walk away from my little fish bowl for even a minute to fully process my fears, worry's, and doubts. I'm just angry! I'm scared! All I want to do is cry!
Things out of my control:
The future
The Past
and parts of the present.
Will he play sports? Will he want to and be able to be in regular classes? Will he get any worse then he is now? Will be stay at this level? Is he going to mellow out, and be able to have a career, wife and children? What's going to happen to my little boy? How much is he going to have to struggle? Why didn't I see him struggling sooner, and do all this last summer? What's going to happen if I have another baby? Is Caleb going to start talking soon, or am I going to have to have him checked out too?

Things I worry about, and theres much more. I have NO control over these things, and I'm scared of what thier answers will be, and when I'll find them out.
I have until November and possibly December before finding out.
I was stupid and talked about making a trip in Oct. I don't even know if I can handle going on a trip. I can barely stop focusing soo much on Corban to do the dishes.

Needed to get stuff of my chest. If there are any comments, the last thing I want to hear is how "everything will be ok." because I already know this. Don't think that I'm being dramatic, or thinking Corban's going to be worse then he will be. In all honesty, we don't know what the future will hold, or of what Corban's truly fighting with. All we see right now, and the early detection signs.
I swear, I'm trying to be soo optamistic. Corban see's nothing but happy, fun, play time Momma. He doesn't see me break down and bawl.
Man! I'm just soo Angry! Why is it soo difficult for ME when HE'S the one having all the struggles!
I just love my boy.

Those Kind Of Thoughts

I sit here, feeling my little Caleb Gene move around in my tummy (it's always a strange feeling), listening to Corban watch his beloved Dora count something on a castle, and I can't but help the feeling of "What's gonna happen?"
The year started alittle rough with the news of my Grandpa. I don't know why, but I didn't even tell anyone that he passed. Not any of my friends, or my cousin's on my Mom's side. Maybe it was the whole concept of "getting over it". Maybe I thought that if I talked about it all the time, or with a bunch of people, then it would be harder to work through it on my own in my head. Anyway! On with other things.
I have 22 days until this little boy is born. Well, it could happen before that, but I'm kinda doubtin' it. Chris's Dad (Big Chris) , and his lady friend (Leanne) is supposed to come visit that same week. I think that Grama Sue will be happy to have more adults for Corban! I havn't met Big Chris yet, but I"m looking forward to it.
I'm apprehensive about the Baby Shower this Saturday. It's day after tomorrow, and there has been no concret plans, RSVP'S, or even a schedule of what will be happening. I know that Nanci is planning it, but it's here at my appartment, and I'm anxious to know how many women will be here. It wouldn't be so bad if I wasn't always feeling like I should take the riens, and do it all myself.
I think that Corban has a few too many food allergy's, and we've discovered that he may be a sleep walker! We woke up thise morning with him gone from his bed! Totally scary until we saw where he went. He walked himself, and his blankie into the living room, and behind my chair, next to the lamp that we keep on during the night. He then laid down, and went back to sleep. Before this, almost everynight, he would get up from his bed, walk into the living room, turn around, and come into our room, and cry until Chris would get up, take him to a chair, and then he would fall right back to sleep. After last night, we think he may just sleep walk. Makes me really glad that we don't have any stairs!
Chris is doing awesome at Walmart. If he keeps his profits up in his department, it'll be the first time in the history of Walmart Meat dept. has kept a profit this long. Quite a big thing! It's been shown more then once that the Meat Dept isn't for profit, it's to bring in customers, and make the rest of the profit making dept's look good. So, for Chris to make a more then 20% profit consistantly is AWESOME! I'm so proud of him!
Life is just flowing by. Soon we will have 2 children, and hopefully not far away from Chris looking at trianing for a promotion. Chris wants to transfer to another store, and for our kids, I don't blame him! It's so hard to get time outside! I believe that kids NEED outside time. My nephews and niece get it, I want my boys to get it too.
Okay, I have to give Corban a bath now. Then it's off to the races! I have lot's to do today, and not enough energy to do it in!
My love
Julie

New Year

Okay, so Nanc, and Shadow, you have inspired me to actually do a blog on this year, and my goals that I'm striving for before the 1st of next year.
Well, first and formost I'm going to have this baby, and try to be the best Mom I can be. There are going to be SOO many changes this year, just thinking about it makes my head spin!
So,
1) Have Baby, Heal fast, and get back into full active life.
2) Get back into the cleaning, organizing, and cooking that I did before getting prego.
3) When/If Chris is transfered to another town, don't panic, just take care of my children, and do what I can to prepare to leaving Juneau.
4) Keep this ever so much healthier eating habits. K, I know that after a while I did get back into Carbs, and sugars, this time I resolve to not! Or, if I do, use much more restraint then I did before.
5) Aquire and keep a LARGE savings, and make smarter choices to $$ matters.
6) After Caleb is born, and I'm no longer breast feeding, I WILL NOT go back to smoking, no matter how stressed, and hormone ampped out I get!
7) If Chris ever goes back to smoking, I will do everything I can not to kill him, but no promises.
8) Enchorage Chris, and all of us to continue to go to church, but not be a pestering brat when he's not up to it.
9) I will no longer be a stepping stool for those people that I've always cared about, but never cared enough for me. For those that I make all attempts to contact, call, and invite to things, when they refuse, don't show, or take for granted that I"m just there, I will let them go. All of the peole to take me for granted NEVER ASSUME THEY WILL LOSE ME. But they will. Too many years have been spent waiting for others outside of my Family to even simply call me back. I won't anymore. Polite, and curtious is what I'll be, but I'll no longer put myself out there for others to use when it's only merely convient for them, and to be conviently absent when it is that I need them. It hurts too much to be used in such a way, and my energy is better spent on my Children. Even if that means that I eventually say good bye to almost everyone, so be it. It may not make much sense, and that's okay.
10) When a "friend" drops me, I'll walk away too.
11) No matter how much family hurts me, I still love them, and when they become "unwierd", and stop hurting me, I'm here. Family is different then "friends"
12) I'll stop thinking others are as considerate as I am.
13) I will work on my physical health, and enchorage my husband to work on his.
14) Clutter will not live in my home!
15) I will watch LESS TV, and listen to more music, and make my Children do so as well.
16) I will use every impliment I can to help my children grow, and learn as much as they can. Bring on the books, and foriegn language video's!
17) I will strive to not only define myself as a good person, but as a better person for my Family.
18) I will continue to strive to be a standing persona that my children can look up to someday. I will enchorage and support my Husband to do that same.
19) I will expose my children to the wonders of outdoors, playing, hiking, and being out in it!
and last, but not least
20) I vow that all of my goals will not be accomplished in this order, but rather as a constant self awareness, and believe that I can, and are doing them.
Okay, so there's my long list. I think that they are ALL do-able.

For the first time.....

Okay, so I know that this is the first blog I've done. I thought it was time, considering all the changes going on!

Here it goes,

Corban got his 8th tooth, which means Monday I'm calling the dentist for his first visit.

We sold the ever so wonderful Jimmy, for the first time, spent more then $300.00 on a vehicle, and bought a '93 Chevy truck, and promtly put the most expensive stero I've ever boughten in it.

Chris met with the Missionary's, and told me that on the 27th of this month, he will be baptised, so now for the first time I know it's really going to happen.

My tummy grew in that good way, and for the first time, I REALLY felt that hard bump when I laid on my tummy.

Within 2 weeks, I'm getting my HUGE old school suburban, so for the first time I'll own a vehicle that can fit many many people and things.

Thanks to Chris, on Tuesday, I will own for the first time a large brand new recliner that's all mine (Well, and my babys), and a new full table and chairs set.

For the first time I got a cell phone that wasn't a free one included in some plan.

Thanks to our new truck, for the first time we now have our own new chest freezer, and I'll be able to stock up on meats, cheeses, and breads.

Thanks to the PFD'S, for the first time, I'll be able to build a food storage that will last longer then 2-3 months.

Also, thanks the the PFD'S, I'll be able to have a very large substantial $ savings, so that if something happens to Chris, we'll have some repreive.

For the first time, since the strong pull of prenacie tiredness has hit me, I trully feel like I'm preparing our family in the right way.

For the first time in YEARS, I feel like I have a true religous relationship with Heavenly Father.

For the first time in some time, I can see that not only am I fully appreciating my Husband, but he is appreciatting me.

For the first time.....

How blessed I feel that I'm able to say these things as a truth, instead of a wish.

I am blessed.