Honestly, I'm pissed. Bonnie told me that I would go thru the stages of grief, becuase of the loss I'm feeling. The loss of the hope and dreams I had for Corban, and not knowing what of them he'll be able to do.
I cry everyday. I want to seriously have a smoke. I want this to all be done with. I just want to know what he's got, and what do I have to do to help him cope with it better.
I hate hearing how "fine' it's all going to be. I already know that it's going to be fine. I already know that Corban is going to be alright. I've already accepted that he either has some form of Autism, or a similar disorder. Just because I've accepted it, doesn't mean that I can't still be mad as hell that he has to work soo hard to talk to me. My acceptance doesn't stop my heart from breaking when I watch him struggle. It's OKAY for me to be pissed off, and have a slightly broken heart.
I'm NOT depressed. I'm mad, and sad. I feel like I can't walk away from my little fish bowl for even a minute to fully process my fears, worry's, and doubts. I'm just angry! I'm scared! All I want to do is cry!
Things out of my control:
The future
The Past
and parts of the present.
Will he play sports? Will he want to and be able to be in regular classes? Will he get any worse then he is now? Will be stay at this level? Is he going to mellow out, and be able to have a career, wife and children? What's going to happen to my little boy? How much is he going to have to struggle? Why didn't I see him struggling sooner, and do all this last summer? What's going to happen if I have another baby? Is Caleb going to start talking soon, or am I going to have to have him checked out too?
Things I worry about, and theres much more. I have NO control over these things, and I'm scared of what thier answers will be, and when I'll find them out.
I have until November and possibly December before finding out.
I was stupid and talked about making a trip in Oct. I don't even know if I can handle going on a trip. I can barely stop focusing soo much on Corban to do the dishes.
Needed to get stuff of my chest. If there are any comments, the last thing I want to hear is how "everything will be ok." because I already know this. Don't think that I'm being dramatic, or thinking Corban's going to be worse then he will be. In all honesty, we don't know what the future will hold, or of what Corban's truly fighting with. All we see right now, and the early detection signs.
I swear, I'm trying to be soo optamistic. Corban see's nothing but happy, fun, play time Momma. He doesn't see me break down and bawl.
Man! I'm just soo Angry! Why is it soo difficult for ME when HE'S the one having all the struggles!
I just love my boy.
